


if it kills me

by atlas (songs)



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Lowercase, M/M, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 08:53:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4515669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songs/pseuds/atlas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>don’t jump</i>, kaworu pleads. <i>shinji-kun, don’t. please, please don’t.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	if it kills me

_don’t jump,_ kaworu pleads.  _shinji-kun, don’t. please, please don’t._

shinji does not turn to face him. he trembles by the spine, his back bent and brittle. like a child’s. 

…or like an ancient’s?

 _kaworu-kun,_ shinji says. it comes out like lead.  _i remember._

kaworu freezes, the words landing like a blow. remembrance — how many times has he prayed for it? longed for it? how many times has he searched shinji’s eyes for the slant of recollection, the anchor in the dream? shinji’s eyes, in every world, have always been beautiful, and have always forgotten him.

until now.

but shinji is not looking at him. he  _wishes_  shinji would look at him. he wishes shinji would step back from the ledge. he wishes shinji would love him, but that is something else entirely. and kaworu wishes for too much, yearns for too much— he knows this. 

but right now, he wishes shinji would just look at him.

 _what do you remember?_ he asks, carefully, gently.

 _everything,_  shinji answers.  _i only met you yesterday._

he shivers.

 _but when i saw you, i remembered_ everything.

kaworu goes silent. it’s never gone like this. hundreds of thousands of lives he’s lived. and it’s never,  _ever_ gone like this.

 _you can’t_ , he murmurs.  _you can’t do this, shinji—_

 _you die,_ shinji interrupts,  _every time. every way. every world._

_shinji-kun—_

_you always, always die,_ shinji cuts in.  _and it’s always, always for me._

kaworu’s heart dips into his throat;  shinji takes a step forward, his feet half-dangling over the roof-edge. this isn’t how it’s supposed to happen. this isn’t the way fate is supposed to play out.  _kaworu_ is the one who is supposed to risk himself.  _kaworu_ is the one who is allowed to die. not shinji.

 _never_ shinji.

 _don’t jump,_ kaworu begs, his voice rasping. it does not fit him, that broken voice. kaworu has always made himself steady, has planted his feet to the ground so that shinji would have something,  _someone_ to keep him rooted. tethered. kaworu is an Angel, kaworu is a boy, kaworu is in Love but he cannot, can _not_  let himself falter. he cannot be broken. shinji is plenty broken, and how can kaworu save him if he is in pieces, too?

 _kaworu-kun,_ shinji almost sings his name.  _this is all i can do, for you. maybe this will change everything. maybe this will—_

_don’t jump, shinji-kun, let me save you, don’t jump—_

_—end it all. even if it kills me, it won’t kill you, this time. this time you’ll live. this time—_

_shinji-kun, i—_

_i’ll—_

_…love you,_ kaworu finishes.

 _…save you,_ shinji finishes.

silence. heavy, heavy silence.

and then:

 _you can’t mean that,_ says a boy’s voice.

 _i do,_ says a boy’s voice.  _i really, really do._

 _you can’t_.

 _i can. i_ do.

 _you_ can’t.

_it’s the truth, you know._

_i_ don’t _know. i_ can’t  _know._

_but you do._

a bated breath.

 _if it kills me,_ says a boy’s voice.  _i’ll mean it, always. even if it kills me._

_you can’t._

_i do._

a step forward. a boy’s gasp.

a boy’s cry.

 _i do,_ says the same voice, again.

and then he —


End file.
